Motherhood is H-A-R-D! It is not for the faintest of heart. It's about being selfless, having no sick days when you've got the nasty flu, feeding them before you feed yourself and the list goes on. I find myself juggling between being deep in the moment and enjoying every second, to being completely stressed out that Q hasn't gone down for a nap and will be overtired and not sleep at all. For the longest time I wanted to be perfect for not just Qaayam, but for Imran and myself. I wanted to ensure Q was getting everything he needed while still being able to juggle all the domestic duties, and ensuring we were living the most healthy and productive lifestyle.
I'm here to share with you that this life of ours with a kiddo is not even close to perfect, and I'm ok with that. I've had moments of wanting to just hide under the covers, with the lights off in my room, the door closed hoping no one (including Qaayam) would find me. Those have been the hardest of days. As a first time mom I worried if that was normal to feel. I asked myself, "Am I horrible cause I just don't feel like momm'ing today?" "Is it horrible that I just don't have the patience to hear constant crying? "
I had days where I wanted to pull my hair out and curl up on the floor and just turn back time.YES....I said it, I had moments of missing my freedom and getting 8 hours straight of sleep. I didn't think this new change was going to be easy, but I definitely didn't realize the emotions that could take over me. The hardest pill to swallow was when I found myself taking out my frustrations on the wrong people, the two people in this world I loved the most, Imran and Qaayam. It happened, I would feel disconnected from both of them. I don't believe I suffered from PPD, however, I know people who have and it is a completely valid feeling. I was blessed enough to be able to pull myself out of it after a couple hours and having the support of my Mama Tribe and Imran. I was able to vent out my feelings and look at it from a different perspective to see why I felt the way I did.
When I look back, I understand that I needed those moments to happen and to really feel them to be able to be a better version of myself, not just as a mom and wife, but as Natassia.
I still have days like this, not as frequent, but they spring up on me from time to time and I've learned to appreciate and grow from them. It is a tough job to be a parent, but it's an even bigger blessing.